"The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart." -St. Jerome

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! My blog has officially made it through one year of my rants, raves, and reviews. This is so exciting! Congratulations little blog. I couldn't have kept some of my sanity without you! I am so proud of the quotes I've gathered here, as well as the honest posts I've blogged. Blogging takes some adjustment and getting used to, but I think it's worth it to be able to go back as see what I was thinking about a year ago and what music I was listening to.

Ewan McGregor stopped by with a message. How appropriate!

So with that beautiful man to wish us a happy birthday, I'll go on to confess something that I have been thinking about today (and yes, I'm sorry, it's about marriage). In church, there was a speaker that said something about waiting for her prince charming, and with her faith, she knows he'll come. This disturbed me a little bit. So I forgot about it and went on with my day. I watched the Christmas special episode of Downton Abbey with my mom (which was absolutely wonderful!), then drove back with my dad to my apartment. On the way, we briefly discussed marriage. He was saying something about how today's media and entertainment is indoctrinating us incrementally to become opposed to marriage. In an institute class a few weeks back, there was a substitute teacher that was also saying that eternal marriage is the most important thing we do in this life. My reaction to this was a little bit negative, naturally, because I have blocked thinking about marriage from my mind for so long. It's a natural reaction I had to having everything around me revolving around marriage, from the young women's program when I was twelve to roommates here in college to siblings very recently. I was so confused by it and angry at having it shoved down my throat for so long, I blocked off thinking about it in any way other than hostility and bafflement. And perhaps my dad was right that I was being indoctrinated by the movies I watch.

However, today something changed. Maybe it was seeing my sister and her boyfriend. Maybe it was watching Downton Abbey and Mary and Matthew's wonderful relationship. Maybe it was just bound to happen eventually. Whatever the reason, I had an enlightening thought. Before, I just didn't know what I wanted, whether it be marriage or singledom for the rest of my life. There were moments, like when I finished watching Pride and Prejudice, when I would think about how nice it would be to find someone that loved me and spend my life with them. Then there were the moments, like after seeing roommates turn into psychos when they started dating the next door neighbor, when I thought that marriage was definitely not for me. I couldn't deal with someone else for the rest of life, let alone eternity (because, at least in my mind, that's kind of a long time). I thought that getting my own place, getting a dog, and doing my own cleaning, bills, and job would be a good fit for me. And I still think that is definitely an appealing option. But as silly as it sounds, Downton Abbey is really making me see a different perspective of things.

What I realized as I was unpacking my laundry was this: I'm not afraid of marriage as marriage. I'm afraid of the version of marriage I've seen with roommates, peers in my classes, and the version of marriage I was taught about in the young women's program. I'm a little unconventional, but I'm a romantic. I realized I've become afraid of marriage because I don't see marriage as the ultimate goal. I want to find love, not a marriage. I want that one-in-a-million type of love that defies all odds. I want someone to be so smitten with me, they'll look at me like Matthew looks at Mary. I know that love usually leads to marriage, and I'm not opposed to marriage if it grows from true love. However, too often, I feel like girls my age want that eternal marriage that we learn about from the time we turn twelve, and that is their main goal. That might work for some people, but for me, there has to be something more.

Perhaps I'm setting my bar too high or expecting too much. Maybe I shouldn't base real life on what I see in movies and TV shows. However, when I see a couple like Matthew and Mary, something different happens. I feel hopeful, and it's freeing. For once, the talk of marriage doesn't make me cringe, but instead makes me clasp my hands to my heart and smile uncontrollably. Their love blossomed despite their circumstances and grew to be something beautiful, real, and honest. They couldn't stop loving each other, even when their situations demanded it, and their friendship was strong no matter what the circumstance. Their eyes always found each other's at the dinner table, and they were always there in the moments they needed one another.

My problem is that I don't want a marriage for marriage's sake. I don't have a goal to get married before I'm 25 or have three kids by the time I'm 30. My goal is to find that one person (and yes, I believe in soul mates) that I can share that one-in-a-million kind of love with. I want someone with eyes that express their heart. So hopefully that's not just in the movies.

So there's my major confession. I think I have a long way to go before I understand all this stuff, but this blog is really helping to sort some of it out. So there it is. I hope this wasn't a disappointing birthday post. I really felt like ranting today, though, so my blog's scoop of  birthday celebrations gets some extra opinions sprinkled on top.

Just to end this year with a bang, I will share my top five obsessions of the moment, in case I haven't made them that clear yet. Here goes:

#1: Downton Abbey (no surprises there, I'm sure) - This song played twice on my playlist while I was blogging. I really like it, and it just happens to be called "An Ideal Marriage" (figures, right?). The video montage is a little cheesy, but has some great moments from the show.

#2: Tom Hiddleston - intelligent, attractive, and an amazing actor

#3: Novak Djokovic - Best tennis player in the world, intelligent, intense, and funny

He's so fantastic, he gets two pictures!

#4: Brandon Flowers and The Killers - great music, attractive guy (always a plus)

#5: Sherlock - quick, witty show that keeps you on your toes

And that's all for today! Hopefully I still agree with everything I said tomorrow. . . . Until then, though enjoy the beautiful pictures and videos! And go have some virtual birthday cake. I'll be back soon!