"If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come." -C.S. Lewis

I wish I could just post this quote and explain how it resonates with my soul at the moment or whatever I usually say in these posts. However, I have a lot more on my mind that I need to get out. I just finished watching Downton Abbey, a beautifully wonderful show that can help me explain what I've been thinking about lately.

Matthew and Lady Mary in Downton Abbey

Okay, so in the show, there's a character that I have connected to. Lady Mary Crawley, the main character, embodies something I like to think I possess. Although I do not attempt to compare myself to her in most ways, I think one aspect of our personalities is at least similar. We share a similar determination and will to make things work out for ourselves. Lately, I have started realizing how determined I get about certain things. My problem is that I just have to find a way to be determined to make good things happen, instead of proving myself right or being selfish. I'm not saying I shouldn't be determined to make things work my way, because I am a big believer in making things happen for ourselves. We can sit and complain all we like, but with everything we've got in the world today, there's no excuse we can make for not reaching what we want to achieve. The only excuses are laziness, a lack of determination, self-doubt, and fear. These are not good enough reasons to not go after what we want. I let them stop me way too often. Life usually doesn't provide the perfect chance to make our dreams happen, and if we end up waiting for everything to fall into place perfectly, most of the time we end up missing our chance. The best things come from hard work and determination to succeed despite the imperfections in our journey.

Edith, Mary, and Sybil Crawley

Another thing I take from the show is more observations about relationships. I know, I know, it's all anyone ever talks about (at least where I'm from), but I think this is important to point out. I was talking to my sister on the phone today, and she was telling me how she really thinks this guy that's been around is "it." They've just gotten back together (there was a very long, unusual stage where they weren't together, but acted like they were) and have started to make it very known to the public. Now, I've had multiple roommates each year of college that were dating or engaged. I'd like to think that although I don't understand relationships and the feeling of being in love with someone, I do catch on to some aspects of being in a relationship. And here's what I know: from all the relationships I've seen around me, I know that there is a way to be a normal, functioning couple in love. Sometimes it seems hopeless that there could be couples out there you would want to root for, but there still are. My sister shot me down today on the phone when I started to explain why I still didn't trust the guy that strung her along for months. I wasn't trying to make her not trust him, nor was I trying to give her relationship advice. I was merely pointing out the reasons why I didn't trust him. She responded by saying, "Honestly, you have no idea about relationships." And perhaps I don't.

However, at least for now, I know this: I don't want a relationship that makes me miserable for six months or longer as I wait for a man to decide whether or not he wants me. I don't want a relationship that makes others feel awkward or alienated. I don't want a relationship that people don't want to root for. And I don't want a relationship in which I don't feel like an equal. In Downton Abbey, Lady Sybil, who I like as a character, followed her heart and ran off with the chauffeur, who was a bit controlling and demanding. I didn't want to root for them. However, Lady Mary and Matthew, despite their struggles, were always equal partners in crime. Neither ever tried to control the other. Maybe that's the beauty of their relationship. They stayed on the same playing field, never trying to have the upper hand on the other. No matter how desperate their situation seemed, they didn't use each other, but only ever supported one another. That is the the kind of relationship I want.

I don't think I'm anywhere near ready to be in a relationship, but I am working to figure out what I want from one. Although I probably shouldn't draw inspiration from BBC period dramas, I really do wish I could have someone like Matthew: perfectly honorable, unfailingly supportive, and absolutely in love with me. Until then, I'll just have to keep watching Downton Abbey.

Here is the beautiful theme from the show. I listen to it to soothe my sould, and it's been working today:

So enjoy the music, and I'll be posting again soon.